You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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