Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
