So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
