soooo we both peed the bed last night...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
