The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize