Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
