how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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