My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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