RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
