3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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