So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
