i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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