i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
