It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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