My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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