The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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