I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
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If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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