u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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