So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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