Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
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I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
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i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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