My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Randomize
