Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
