I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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