please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
