If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
