it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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