when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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