Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
