i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
