come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
