i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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