best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
