she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
