I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
