did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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