Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
