I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
