I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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