I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
