sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
home. puking in laundry basket.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
