My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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