Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i love accidental penises.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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