So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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