I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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