yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
