I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
