What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
