i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
