I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
