Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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