Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
