Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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