my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
