we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
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the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
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For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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