dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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