Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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