Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
did i just pee glitter
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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