She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
